Familiarity Breeds Contempt - Or does it?
80When I wrote the Self-Improvement hub entitled, "Change Your Beliefs," about how your beliefs control your life, I gave an example of how your beliefs can change. You see, how you live your life is based on your beliefs. You can change your beliefs, and by changing your beliefs you change your life. So, if you want a better life, ypu must develop better beliefs!
One of the problems, though, is recognizing a disempowering belief that needs changing.
Familiarity
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It happened that I was in a casual conversation with a friend that suddenly turned into a very enlightening discussion for me. Thank you, Tom. It is truly amazing - well, amazing to me - how one's own "Stinkin' Thinkin'" can lurk in plain sight in one's consciousness and not be seen. Never mind being hidden away in the subconscious - this was hiding in full daylight in my conscious mind!
"Familiarity breeds contempt" is a stock phrase of mine - a true from-childhood belief. It was a favorite phrase of my mother's, and, of course, if Mother said it, it must be true, right? And yet, It must be the most ridiculous belief I have been harboring for so many years.
- Familiarity can only breed contempt amongst contemptuous people. People who regularly express contempt. Such people ought not to be in my life! So, if there are any people in my life who are contemptuous, I need to weed them out of my life immediately.
- If familiarity really does breed contempt, then I must be contemptible if once people become familiar with me they have contempt for me. How can I possibly reach success if I believe myself to be contemptible?!
- The belief that familiarity breeds contempt subtly directs my life away from forming relationships in which I will become familiar to people. Thus I must believe friendships to be harmful, associations dangerous, and love almost impossible.
- If I am to enter into business partnerships and affiliations to grow my business and build my wealth, I must become familiar with and to my partners and affiliates. But if that means slipping into a contemptuous relationship, no gain or profit can ensue. This will be a major wealth-destroying situation.
All of this because I have this silly notion that "familiarity breeds contempt."
Well, I'm glad that has been discovered. Major, major priority - destroy that stupid bit of Stinkin' Thinkin' and get it out of my mind! Jeez! I can hardly believe I didn't see this before!
There is a companion phrase that goes along with "familiarity breeds contempt" and that is –
"Understand the power of asking questions, and the loss of power in answering them."
This is also based on the belief that familiarity breeds contempt. It is a defence mechanism. The first part, - understand the power of asking questions - is true. The person in the conversation who is asking the questions controls the direction of that conversation, but it is a mistake to assume that the person who is answering the questions loses power by answering them.
Confidence
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Let us take as an example someone who is unsure of their knowledge - unsure if it is correct, unsure if it is valid, unsure if it is valuable, unsure if it is substantial. Now, that person, when asked questions, will likely be afraid of being exposed, and, if exposed, will likely be subjected to contempt.
Let us take another person, who is confident of the knowledge they have - they know it is correct, they know it is valuable and valid, they know it is substantial. This person, when asked questions, will not be afraid of exposure - indeed they will welcome it because it demonstrates their knowledge and hopefully will help the questioner.
Would Donald Trump or Warren Buffet or Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey or Jack Welch or any one of many other successful and knowledgeable people ever be afraid of answering questions because they felt they might lose power in answering them and be held in contempt for the familiarity that results?
It seems to me that "familiarity breeds contempt" and "understand the power of asking questions, and the loss of power in answering them" are beliefs more likely associated with a person who lacks knowledge, confidence or both. These beliefs will certainly not carry you far along the road to success.
The answer, I suggest, is to purge yourself of these two disempowering beliefs. Become knowledgeable about your subject, and skillful about your craft. Build confidence in your value to your community and grow your self-worth. Be proud of who you are and ready, capable and worthy of becoming familiar to people. And be so good at what you do that you can answer any question and experience any scrutiny with confidence and composure.
If you have need to rid yourself of these or any other disempowering belief, I would be glad to help.
Frederick Pearce
- Business Coach and Personal mentor
Building Lives, building businesses, building wealth. - "Keep Your Eyes On The Prize"
Discovering your Life Purpose, Gratitude and Random acts of kindness - "So, Who Wants To Be a Millionaire"
How To Get From Working Class To Wealthy - The SELF IMPROVEMENT Pages
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RIGHT ON. Thank you for this. This was most excellent.
Thank you for the thoughts.
I didn't hear too much of the "familiarity breeds contempt" notion until recently, so i decided to browse the Internet for other people's opinions/proof and stumbled across your article. I haven't given all the information much thought yet, but i did notice the way you 'resent' the idea of losing power in answering questions.
I might not agree with your conclusions about that.
For example, a father answering a question to his own son/daughter doesn't lose any power indeed..but imagine someone (competitive) asking Bill Gates about his findings on the Western-European software trading traditions..and him answering truthfully.... :) i believe that's the idea behind the loss of power in answering questions.
If someone who's your potential competition in everyday life asks well placed questions - you might as well end up sparing them the possible hard work of finding the answers themselves, thus easily losing your edge in your line of work (for example). Information is quite often considered power. So the more people know certain information the less valuable it is, hence, the less powerfull the people having that info are.
My regards.
Thankh you for sharing this. Most powerful "... recognizing a disempowering belief that needs changing..." very interesting. In brief, while I appreciate your comments, I would say I disagree with your point in the context with which it was presented. I feel in a Business relationship, where your choices of whom you will be working with may not be your own, familiarity certainly does breed contempt to some degree and I would subscribe to keeping the relationship more formal than otherwise.
There are cases where familiarity breeds more business, and that can be very good, but in my experience that is more the exception, than the rule.
Thanks again.
BK
this countered the long belief of those who were asked about themselves particularly those who don't want to be exposed of their previous acts which is contrary to human nature. The phrase should not be adopted,otherwise you will not succeed in your daily endeavour.........
TO THE PREVIOUS COMMENTS THAT 'DISAGREE' WITH MR.PEARCE,TRY ANSERWING THE QUESTION WITH TRUTH AND YOUR KNOWLEGE.IF IT HELPS THE QUESTIONARE YOU WILL HAVE THE POWER AND CONTROLL. A TRUE ANSWER MIGHT BE;I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION AT THIS TIME.
i was amazed on how you took your mother's saying "familiarity breeds contempt" literally. you took it in a such way that you cant build any kind of relationship at all. with all due respect, i would like to clarify its meaning. the saying "familiarity breeds contempt" has become universal since it has proven itself to be true from time to time as it has entered several relationships. if we have to scrutinize the real meaning of it (looking at the big picture, or figuratively), too much familiarity leads to contempt... it's like saying, too much loads in a boat may let it sink.."it's just sort of a warning" and therefore if you have to involve yourself to a relationship, open yourself to your partner "but not entirely" --- giving yourself entirely or making yourself to familiar to your partner is NOT a genuine love. as it is stated in the Holy Bible, you have give yourself the love as well (it's not being selfish) as the song goes, learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. learn how to play the game in every relationship. in every day with your partner, give a little magic or spice that makes your partner feel the thrill like it's always your first date together. make your partner feel that he has to more of you each day and that makes your relationship last. tickle his curiousity.
jeremykriscortez@yahoo.com
Good job vastly oversimplifying human nature!
/sarcasm
Does familiarity breed contempt? I think the answer is: it depends upon what we choose to focus upon. The more familiar I become with someone, the more aware I am of both their faults and strengths. If I choose to center my attention on my new awareness of your deficiencies, my contempt for you will grow. However, if my focus is upon your good qualities, my appreciation and love for you will grow.
The idea "familiarity breeds contempt' was also part of my mother's complete misunderstanding of the nature of the world based on one of her favorite misquotations or partial quotations from literature having nearly the opposite meaning of the author's actual intent and the original quote. 'Familiarity breeds contempt when it breeds inattention' is from the philosopher George Santayana's treatise on aesthetic theory, 'The Sense of Beauty'. I think the truth of the quotation in it's entirity is self evident and a far more interesting topic of discussion. Taking for granted, insensitivity, desensitization or demonstrative disinterest to people, places and things in one's environment is more likely to be the root cause of animosity or contempt than interest, knowledge or familiarity. 'Ignorance is bliss' - another common (and one of my mother's favorite) misquotations inverts the meaning of the actual line from a Thomas Gray poem 'Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise'.
Great comments, everyone. I appreciate your thoughts. It's amazing how stock phrases in common use can have such differing meanings. No wonder inter-personal communication is never as straightforward as it ought to be! And how we can mislead ourselves with disempowering ideas.
Amazingly helpful. Mother also plauged me with this saying. Feel like a weight has been lifted!
Gautam 2 years ago
Nice Thoghts